The Mistress of Angst
15 September 2013 @ 11:33 am
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
03 July 2013 @ 01:09 pm
I'm working on a custom layout, so this journal is under construction. If something's broken, don't worry about it. I'll get around to fixing it soon.
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
I just came home from watching the latest installment of the Star Trek franchise, and I have to give the writers, producers, and director some serious credit for an amazing job well done. I will admit that I was not expecting to be as pleased as I was upon the closing credits; I had read several very critical reviews and opinions on certain aspects of the film. From the casting of Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan to a tendency to rely too much on reference, I was pretty well set up for an epic disappointment. I'm quite delighted to say that I enjoyed just about every minute of it.

Read more... )

Teal dear: Some things aren't meant to be significant and others just can't be avoided.
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
01 September 2012 @ 08:29 am
Kinda bummed that the first Sooner game of the season starts tonight at 9:30. We'll see if I can stay awake for the second half. I wish the NCAA had rules about that sort of thing, more for the athletes' well-being than that of the fans. If you figure that the game will take about 4 hours, then that's 1:30 in the morning before they're done. I know I promised my aunt that I'd watch all of the televised games, but, damn...
 
 
Current Mood: cranky
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
28 July 2012 @ 07:21 pm
...  
I'm tired of being dismissed as if I'm a third-rate member of my husband's family by his mother. I've expressed genuine concern and tried show her that I care and that I'm not just some trollop who stole her meal ticket. There are times when I think I'm making progress. Then there are times like last night when she manages to convince me that I'm not fit for her to spit on. My opinions don't matter, my time doesn't matter, my feelings don't matter. Basically, I am dirt to her. She makes plans for my husband without waiting to see if we have previous engagements. She rolls her eyes at me when I ask how she's doing. She calls her dog away from me when he jumps in my lap. Her disdain could not be more clear.

I give up. I know I've said that before, but she always manages to make me think that maybe if I try a little she'll start to like me. This time, I really am done. If she doesn't want to like me, then nothing I do is going to change that.
 
 
 
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
13 July 2012 @ 11:18 pm
Every passing day, my brother goes farther off the deep end. I'm really scared that this time he could actually harm someone. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't affecting me as much as it does my parents. I'm worried and scared. I haven't been sleeping well at all. My family has taken enough hard hits this year. We don't need this right now. We can't afford this right now.
 
 
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
02 July 2012 @ 12:56 am
My mother and I went down to see my brother today. Will's been staying with a friend, Isaac, south of Tulsa. Part of the episode this time is that he's been hallucinations about Daddy hurting Mom, Dad holding him at gunpoint, Dad standing over Mom with a butcher knife at her throat, Dad forcing a woman to give him a blowjob at the shop and the list goes on. There have been several altercations at the house and Daddy has filed a restraining order, naming both himself and Mom, against Will. Thus Will is living elsewhere.

So, the visit went worse than expected. He insisted that Mom drive him to the mall to go to the Apple store to get his phone fixed. Then, after they replaced his phone with a new one (kinda hard to fix a phone that's been smashed against the wall because he threw it at my mother), we had to take him to an AT&T store because his iTunes account had been hacked and he couldn't use the phone. After we got the whole phone mess straightened out, he wanted to go to Wal-Mart, where he spent $13 of his remaining $26 on a screen protector and an energy drink rather than food for the empty fridge. Then he insisted that Mom drive him to a place where he could illegally trespass across a pasture and onto the property of the business where Isaac works because Will was convinced that Isaac had gone down there to kill himself at some point because he hadn't been home in a few days, despite having told us that Isaac had left town for the weekend with his girlfriend.

There were several fights, all about nothing, and then the big screaming match at the end of the day when he told Mom that she could just go shoot herself for all he cared if she didn't do as he said and aid and abet his trespassing. Throughout the course of the day, I learned that the reason he hates me right now is because he thinks I hacked his gmail and iTunes accounts. Never mind the fact that I have my own gmail (three or four, in fact) and iTunes and have no use for his.

I know that he has no capacity for rational thought right now. I know that he is trapped in his own nightmares. I know that he can't tell anymore what is real and what is fantasy. I also know the truth about my father, that he would die before laying a finger on my mother and that his character is above reproach. I know that Will has pretty much taken over Isaac's home and Isaac has likely decided to hide out at his girlfriend's house until the storm is over.

I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to end up. I think that Mom is going to petition for guardianship to get him on SSI. The truth is that he'll never be able to hold a job. He won't stay on medication permanently. He gets to feeling stable, so he'll stop taking it and then it only takes something small, like the wrong kind of antibiotic for a sinus infection to upset his brain chemistry. This time it was the anesthesia when he had his kidney stones removed. Of course, losing Barbara did NOT help matters. But I digress.

Throughout this whole mess, the one thing that I've discovered is that I am not as eager as before to have children. Matt's uncle has the exact same disorder, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, which means that the gene pool on both sides of our family runs a high risk for it. There is no way that I'm risking passing it on. It would be different if it was just in my family. I'm normal, even if I tend to be depressed occasionally, so the chances of me passing it on are lower than if I had the disorder. But with it being a generation away from Matt, that changes the landscape. And I don't like the view.
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tired
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
27 June 2012 @ 08:39 pm
~* Good thing: I have watched all three seasons of The Vampire Diaries. I'm hopelessly addicted. And, because of the Olympics, it'll be October before there are new episodes. *sigh* My favorite character is probably Damon. There's such a depth to the way his characterization has been written. And Ian Somerhalder is just gorgeous. Those eyes... I think I could get my fangirl on again for this one.

~* Good thing #2: We now have a pool. Let me tell you, nothing is better than a quick dip on a day that tops out at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Now, if only I could get the chlorine stabilized...

~* Good thing #3 (I think): I've started an original fiction manuscript. I'm fairly certain it will never be published, but at least the creative juices are kind of flowing. If only I could get over the nagging self-consciousness, and delude myself into thinking that I actually have any skill at creating believable stories and multi-dimensional characters.

~* BAD thing: My brother is having another episode. This time, he's almost homicidal. And his two biggest targets for his rage are me and my father, for no reason at all. Matt and I are locked in our own house. We have to go out with the dogs when they need to do their business. I almost wish that permanent mental institutions still existed, because that's really what he needs right now. It's only a matter of time before he really hurts someone, or worse. I'm scared for him. I don't know what to do, other than lock my doors and hope he doesn't come calling.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blank
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
12 June 2012 @ 07:20 pm
Well, I just started getting a very scary popup warning from my AV program that there was a malicious resource on my LJ pages from "liveinternet.ru". It was on all of the LJ pages I tried to surf. Kinda scary. So, no more LJ. At all. I'm not going to risk bricking my computer.

Come to the dark side. We have cookies. You know you want some. ;)
 
 
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
26 May 2012 @ 12:38 am
For those who don't follow me on Facebook, I'll start with a little background. My aunt was diagnosed with uterine cancer about six weeks ago. It spread very rapidly until, last night, it claimed her life. I was the only family member in the room when she passed. I didn't realize what was happening when it happened, but now it's kind of haunting me.

Anyway, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's been a long week of watching her waste away very quickly. Over the course of the six weeks we went from a prognosis of a good outlook and cancer-free in five years to dead.

I've cried so hard over the last 48 hours that I don't have enough tears left to keep my eyes properly hydrated. She was fine just six weeks ago. She was in good health except for arthritis and a high blood pressure problem that she's had and successfully monitored for years.

I don't understand it. I don't think it's fair. I don't agree with the decision to let her die. I don't believe that everything that could have been done for her was done for her. But I can't say any of that to my family. No, that would be questioning "God's timing." Bullshit.

And now we're going to do the family mourning thing where we sit around for hours sharing anecdotes and hollow platitudes. I want nothing of it. I seem to be the only person approaching this kicking and screaming. Well, not really physically kicking and screaming, but you get the picture. I'll go to the funeral and the viewing and play nice and smile and nod and pretend that I still believe in their god. But after that I just want room to be angry. And to grieve.

We've already started going through her belongings in her apartment and it just feels wrong. It seems like she should come charging out of the bathroom at any moment and demand what the hell we're doing with her stuff. It's not real yet to me. I don't want it to be real. I'm not ready for it to be real.

Gods this hurts.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: crushed
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
26 April 2012 @ 10:33 pm
My aunt's biopsy results came in tonight and the cancer spread to her lymph nodes. I'm not sure if it was just the pelvic nodes or if it was in the abdominal nodes, too. Radiation treatments will start sometime next month. At this point, we don't know what stage we're looking at or what her prognosis is. Mom and I plan on asking all of those kinds of questions on May 7, which is her next appointment. The good news is that she's working with one of the best gynecological oncologists in the world, thanks to her general practitioner. Right now, I'm trying to stay optimistic.

Looks like I'll be adding a peach ribbon to my pink, gray and teal. Pink for grandma's breast cancer, gray for another aunt's brain tumors, teal for my own pcos and risk of ovarian cancer. And, of course, the other aunt's covered by the peach and pink, since hers started with breast and ovarian cancer. By the time the relay comes around, I won't have much of my shirt showing under all of the awareness ribbons...
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blank
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
22 April 2012 @ 10:00 pm
(off-topic: I need new Slytherin icons...seems I'm less Claw than I thought, according to Pottermore.)

The Good: Several things are at least not going poorly. I got a raise at work. I'm officially making more than my mother, now. So, that's nice. We have a new dog. Pepper's a female rat terrier that doesn't even weigh 3 pounds. Also, the various birthday events for Matt, Marc, and my mom went off without a hitch.

The Bad: Even though I got a raise, money's tight enough that we had to use another year of deferments on our school loans. For one thing, I'm going to try and seek treatment for the PCOS. Not fertility at this point, but I've got to do something about these hormones. Speaking of medical conditions, my aunt, with whom I have had a very close relationship all my life, has a malignant tumor in her uterus and is going in for a complete hysterectomy on Tuesday. They're using a new minimally invasive technique involving the "daVinci machine," or some such thing. Anyway, that's kinda scary.

The Ugly: Finally got invited to the MoP beta, but it hasn't been playable for the last four days. Lovely, that. WW hasn't been going the way I want, even though I'm tracking, because my hormones are so mixed up that my body doesn't know where my ovaries even are, much less how they should be working. Oh, and I'm getting more and more fed up with my supposed friend of 15 years not returning my texts or messages.

In short, it doesn't look like 2012 is going to be my year, if you know what I'm saying. At least I have my hubby and my pets.
Tags:
 
 
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
25 March 2012 @ 09:25 am
So, LJ's main pages (home, account management, etc.) have started making my browser crash. Gee...wonder what I can do to fix that? :p

Not much of interest going on here. I've been trying to figure out what's going on with my body because it seems like my ovaries would like nothing better than to kill me lately. However, my ob-gyn has done as much for me as he can and referred me to an endocrinologist, and the closest endocrinologist happens to be in Tulsa. Yay for high gas prices and being in debt up to my eyeballs. Looks like going to the specialist is going to have to wait until we can get some things paid off. In the mean time, life as usual.

I've started watching Caprica. Kind of interesting, that. Not sure yet whether or not I actually like it, but I'm certainly intrigued enough that I keep hitting the "Next Episode" button.

I've also been trying to work a little more green into my brown thumbs. We're growing things like a tomato plant (I already have two little baby 'maters), some romaine lettuce, onions, and a few herbs. Of course, it's all in planters. We shall see how this goes...

The big question for today is: RCT3, Sims 3, or WoW? Hrmm....
 
 
Current Mood: calm
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
24 February 2012 @ 06:45 pm
At least it is for me. I've been really uncomfortable with all of the "improvements" the management of LJ has been making lately. It's morphing into something that simply doesn't suit me and the way I do things. I'm not sure that DW will be a perfect fit, but I'm more comfortable with it than with LJ. My LJ will remain as it is for those who want to keep following me there, and I'll continue to automatically cross post. But I've officially removed LJ from my home tabs.

For those who don't have a DW account yet but might want one, registration is open. There's no need for invite codes right now. Come to the dark side. You know you wanna. Besides, we have cookies. :)
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: calm
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
07 January 2012 @ 10:27 am
I'm such a sheep. Come find me on Pinterest? Please? *bats eyes*
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: geeky
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
01 January 2012 @ 11:04 am
Gee, when did that happen? And, no I wasn't drunk enough last night to not remember ringing it in with a hoop, holler, and mini-makeout session in my brother-in-law's back yard. I just meant that I'm not sure what happened to 2011. Time goes by so quickly here...

Things that will be better this year:
~* More rigid control of the finances will mean more flexibility for discretionary spending. Yippee! And, aren't paradoxes odd? ;)
~* Stephanie's been talking about making an effort to generate more hearing aid opportunities for me. I made a whopping $75 last month in commission. I'd like to multiply that by a factor of 10. Every month.
~* I'll be studying for the next couple of months to take the National Competency Exam for Board Certification for Hearing Instrument Specialists. This will give me a little more credibility and hopefully make opportunity generation a little bit easier.
~* My parents are giving us their huge monstrosity of a credenza, which I will be using for my altar and storage for my crafts. One of my resolutions is to spend less time on video games and more times on hobbies and spiritual development. I have the tools for it now.
~* I'm back on track with Weight Watchers. No more extension belts on airplanes, ever. >:(

The only black cloud right now is that I'm starting the new year off with a sprained ankle. I fell going down the steps last night. Really hard. I think I scared Matt. I'm a little bruised and my ankle, of course, hurts like a bitch. My shoulder is also a bit stiff, though that could be from sleeping on it wrong last night and not due to the fall. But, give me a few weeks and all of that will be good as new.
 
 
Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
31 December 2011 @ 02:51 pm
For the past two weeks, there's been a little brown and white Shih Tzu (I actually thing he's more Lhasa Apso, but I digress) running around the neighborhood. He's fairly well kept except for needing a hair cut, and he's a sweet, friendly little guy. We've been taking him in when he shows up because we honestly didn't know where he belonged. And, he's such a cutie that I'd hate for anything to happen to him.

Well, he showed up again two days ago for the fourth time. I couldn't tell if he'd been slipping the fence or if someone had kept taking him out of the yard, so this time I made sure to go out with him when he needed to relieve himself. If it was that he was slipping the fence, I'd be able to take care of the breach for the next time he shows up and we could continue trying to find his people. If it was that his people were coming to take him home, I'd be able to see that and ask them where to drop him off the next time he gets loose.

Today, someone did show up. A boy of about 12. His mom was standing in their front yard watching as they took the dog out of our back yard. She had the audacity to accuse me of trying to steal the dog. She then stated that they'd been knocking on the door for two days, which is a bald-faced lie because I haven't heard anything at the door. I've been home the entire time and I haven't had anything playing loud enough that I wouldn't have heard the knocking. Besides, the doorbell is painfully obvious and in working order, loud enough that I wouldn't have been able to miss it.

So, the thanks I get for keeping this dog safe, warm, and fed for two days is an accusation of larceny. I've posted notices on several lost and found boards, scoured classifieds for lost dogs, and the next step was to take him to the vet to see if he had a chip. Yeah, that sounds like stealing a dog to me. As a reward for her gratitude, and maybe just to teach her a lesson, I'm just going to call animal control the next time I find him running about loose. Let's see how much she likes going down to the pound to find him. Maybe then she'll get him a tag, patch her fence, and guard her door better.

And there was one simple thing that she could have done when they took him out of the yard the first time: leave us a note. Let us know where the dog belongs. Or, better yet, ring the doorbell. Tell us. As much fun as he is, I don't need another dog, nor do I want to take theirs. Honestly. I just don't want to be driving down the street someday and find that he's been turned into cement cream, or worse, eaten by the pack of coyotes that are only about a mile away. Little dogs can travel a mile surprisingly quickly.

Gah. People are crazy. And stupid.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: pissed off
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
30 December 2011 @ 09:04 am
[livejournal.com profile] moonyscribbles is now [community profile] moonyscribbles!

Have a few more to import...hrm... Wonder if I should put a poll up on [livejournal.com profile] gimp_users on whether or not to import?
 
 
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
28 December 2011 @ 07:27 pm
 
Well, my entries have imported successfully to DW. I don't think I'm moving permanently, as most of my comms are still on LJ. Once those can be imported, it might be a permanent move to DW. Shall have to see.

Though, I was just reading a standard comments page, and I did notice that my eyes hurt if I looked at the blue bars for more than a second. :( Alas. Erin, you'll have to come join me. :p