26 May 2012 @ 12:38 am
Exhausted...  
For those who don't follow me on Facebook, I'll start with a little background. My aunt was diagnosed with uterine cancer about six weeks ago. It spread very rapidly until, last night, it claimed her life. I was the only family member in the room when she passed. I didn't realize what was happening when it happened, but now it's kind of haunting me.

Anyway, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's been a long week of watching her waste away very quickly. Over the course of the six weeks we went from a prognosis of a good outlook and cancer-free in five years to dead.

I've cried so hard over the last 48 hours that I don't have enough tears left to keep my eyes properly hydrated. She was fine just six weeks ago. She was in good health except for arthritis and a high blood pressure problem that she's had and successfully monitored for years.

I don't understand it. I don't think it's fair. I don't agree with the decision to let her die. I don't believe that everything that could have been done for her was done for her. But I can't say any of that to my family. No, that would be questioning "God's timing." Bullshit.

And now we're going to do the family mourning thing where we sit around for hours sharing anecdotes and hollow platitudes. I want nothing of it. I seem to be the only person approaching this kicking and screaming. Well, not really physically kicking and screaming, but you get the picture. I'll go to the funeral and the viewing and play nice and smile and nod and pretend that I still believe in their god. But after that I just want room to be angry. And to grieve.

We've already started going through her belongings in her apartment and it just feels wrong. It seems like she should come charging out of the bathroom at any moment and demand what the hell we're doing with her stuff. It's not real yet to me. I don't want it to be real. I'm not ready for it to be real.

Gods this hurts.
 
 
Current Mood: crushed
Current Location: home
 
 
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tinpra[personal profile] tinpra on May 26th, 2012 12:51 pm (UTC)
You have a right to be angry, and pissy and think it's unfair. That has nothing to do with your beliefs or your fam's and everything to do w how much you loved your aunt and how horrible & terrible a disease cancer is. But you already know that.

So be mad. And if you can find someplace to scream bloody murder, scream away. I know you don't believe in God & haven't in a long time, but I am praying for you (can't hurt, right). Do you have anyone in your fam that you can commiserate with? Someone who feels with you? If nothing else, we're here. It's not the same as being *there* to help you break a few things, but we can destroy personal property in our states in your honor.
The Mistress of Angst[personal profile] moony_blues on May 26th, 2012 02:33 pm (UTC)
I live in the buckle of the Bible belt, so all of my family are Christians. Most of them are Baptists. So, expressing any sort of doubt at all about their religion is going to out me as not being one of them. I have to tread delicately around matters of faith just to keep the peace. That, and I don't want to upset my parents over it. They already make noise every once in a while because I don't go to church.

I don't think I'm going to start throwing nick-knacks against the walls. I tried to keep myself away from anything breakable yesterday. I did play Diablo III for a while so I could at least "kill" things. I do have an outlet for the violent part of the anger, at least. I also have a few anger-management tricks up my sleeves that I've learned since getting out of college. I'll be alright. I just hope that my family gives me the breathing room that I need in order to get there.