The Mistress of Angst
26 May 2012 @ 12:38 am
For those who don't follow me on Facebook, I'll start with a little background. My aunt was diagnosed with uterine cancer about six weeks ago. It spread very rapidly until, last night, it claimed her life. I was the only family member in the room when she passed. I didn't realize what was happening when it happened, but now it's kind of haunting me.

Anyway, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. It's been a long week of watching her waste away very quickly. Over the course of the six weeks we went from a prognosis of a good outlook and cancer-free in five years to dead.

I've cried so hard over the last 48 hours that I don't have enough tears left to keep my eyes properly hydrated. She was fine just six weeks ago. She was in good health except for arthritis and a high blood pressure problem that she's had and successfully monitored for years.

I don't understand it. I don't think it's fair. I don't agree with the decision to let her die. I don't believe that everything that could have been done for her was done for her. But I can't say any of that to my family. No, that would be questioning "God's timing." Bullshit.

And now we're going to do the family mourning thing where we sit around for hours sharing anecdotes and hollow platitudes. I want nothing of it. I seem to be the only person approaching this kicking and screaming. Well, not really physically kicking and screaming, but you get the picture. I'll go to the funeral and the viewing and play nice and smile and nod and pretend that I still believe in their god. But after that I just want room to be angry. And to grieve.

We've already started going through her belongings in her apartment and it just feels wrong. It seems like she should come charging out of the bathroom at any moment and demand what the hell we're doing with her stuff. It's not real yet to me. I don't want it to be real. I'm not ready for it to be real.

Gods this hurts.
 
 
Current Mood: crushed
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
22 April 2012 @ 10:00 pm
(off-topic: I need new Slytherin icons...seems I'm less Claw than I thought, according to Pottermore.)

The Good: Several things are at least not going poorly. I got a raise at work. I'm officially making more than my mother, now. So, that's nice. We have a new dog. Pepper's a female rat terrier that doesn't even weigh 3 pounds. Also, the various birthday events for Matt, Marc, and my mom went off without a hitch.

The Bad: Even though I got a raise, money's tight enough that we had to use another year of deferments on our school loans. For one thing, I'm going to try and seek treatment for the PCOS. Not fertility at this point, but I've got to do something about these hormones. Speaking of medical conditions, my aunt, with whom I have had a very close relationship all my life, has a malignant tumor in her uterus and is going in for a complete hysterectomy on Tuesday. They're using a new minimally invasive technique involving the "daVinci machine," or some such thing. Anyway, that's kinda scary.

The Ugly: Finally got invited to the MoP beta, but it hasn't been playable for the last four days. Lovely, that. WW hasn't been going the way I want, even though I'm tracking, because my hormones are so mixed up that my body doesn't know where my ovaries even are, much less how they should be working. Oh, and I'm getting more and more fed up with my supposed friend of 15 years not returning my texts or messages.

In short, it doesn't look like 2012 is going to be my year, if you know what I'm saying. At least I have my hubby and my pets.
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