The Mistress of Angst
13 July 2012 @ 11:18 pm
Every passing day, my brother goes farther off the deep end. I'm really scared that this time he could actually harm someone. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't affecting me as much as it does my parents. I'm worried and scared. I haven't been sleeping well at all. My family has taken enough hard hits this year. We don't need this right now. We can't afford this right now.
 
 
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Location: home
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
02 July 2012 @ 12:56 am
My mother and I went down to see my brother today. Will's been staying with a friend, Isaac, south of Tulsa. Part of the episode this time is that he's been hallucinations about Daddy hurting Mom, Dad holding him at gunpoint, Dad standing over Mom with a butcher knife at her throat, Dad forcing a woman to give him a blowjob at the shop and the list goes on. There have been several altercations at the house and Daddy has filed a restraining order, naming both himself and Mom, against Will. Thus Will is living elsewhere.

So, the visit went worse than expected. He insisted that Mom drive him to the mall to go to the Apple store to get his phone fixed. Then, after they replaced his phone with a new one (kinda hard to fix a phone that's been smashed against the wall because he threw it at my mother), we had to take him to an AT&T store because his iTunes account had been hacked and he couldn't use the phone. After we got the whole phone mess straightened out, he wanted to go to Wal-Mart, where he spent $13 of his remaining $26 on a screen protector and an energy drink rather than food for the empty fridge. Then he insisted that Mom drive him to a place where he could illegally trespass across a pasture and onto the property of the business where Isaac works because Will was convinced that Isaac had gone down there to kill himself at some point because he hadn't been home in a few days, despite having told us that Isaac had left town for the weekend with his girlfriend.

There were several fights, all about nothing, and then the big screaming match at the end of the day when he told Mom that she could just go shoot herself for all he cared if she didn't do as he said and aid and abet his trespassing. Throughout the course of the day, I learned that the reason he hates me right now is because he thinks I hacked his gmail and iTunes accounts. Never mind the fact that I have my own gmail (three or four, in fact) and iTunes and have no use for his.

I know that he has no capacity for rational thought right now. I know that he is trapped in his own nightmares. I know that he can't tell anymore what is real and what is fantasy. I also know the truth about my father, that he would die before laying a finger on my mother and that his character is above reproach. I know that Will has pretty much taken over Isaac's home and Isaac has likely decided to hide out at his girlfriend's house until the storm is over.

I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to end up. I think that Mom is going to petition for guardianship to get him on SSI. The truth is that he'll never be able to hold a job. He won't stay on medication permanently. He gets to feeling stable, so he'll stop taking it and then it only takes something small, like the wrong kind of antibiotic for a sinus infection to upset his brain chemistry. This time it was the anesthesia when he had his kidney stones removed. Of course, losing Barbara did NOT help matters. But I digress.

Throughout this whole mess, the one thing that I've discovered is that I am not as eager as before to have children. Matt's uncle has the exact same disorder, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, which means that the gene pool on both sides of our family runs a high risk for it. There is no way that I'm risking passing it on. It would be different if it was just in my family. I'm normal, even if I tend to be depressed occasionally, so the chances of me passing it on are lower than if I had the disorder. But with it being a generation away from Matt, that changes the landscape. And I don't like the view.
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tired
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
27 June 2012 @ 08:39 pm
~* Good thing: I have watched all three seasons of The Vampire Diaries. I'm hopelessly addicted. And, because of the Olympics, it'll be October before there are new episodes. *sigh* My favorite character is probably Damon. There's such a depth to the way his characterization has been written. And Ian Somerhalder is just gorgeous. Those eyes... I think I could get my fangirl on again for this one.

~* Good thing #2: We now have a pool. Let me tell you, nothing is better than a quick dip on a day that tops out at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Now, if only I could get the chlorine stabilized...

~* Good thing #3 (I think): I've started an original fiction manuscript. I'm fairly certain it will never be published, but at least the creative juices are kind of flowing. If only I could get over the nagging self-consciousness, and delude myself into thinking that I actually have any skill at creating believable stories and multi-dimensional characters.

~* BAD thing: My brother is having another episode. This time, he's almost homicidal. And his two biggest targets for his rage are me and my father, for no reason at all. Matt and I are locked in our own house. We have to go out with the dogs when they need to do their business. I almost wish that permanent mental institutions still existed, because that's really what he needs right now. It's only a matter of time before he really hurts someone, or worse. I'm scared for him. I don't know what to do, other than lock my doors and hope he doesn't come calling.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blank
 
 
The Mistress of Angst
26 April 2012 @ 10:33 pm
My aunt's biopsy results came in tonight and the cancer spread to her lymph nodes. I'm not sure if it was just the pelvic nodes or if it was in the abdominal nodes, too. Radiation treatments will start sometime next month. At this point, we don't know what stage we're looking at or what her prognosis is. Mom and I plan on asking all of those kinds of questions on May 7, which is her next appointment. The good news is that she's working with one of the best gynecological oncologists in the world, thanks to her general practitioner. Right now, I'm trying to stay optimistic.

Looks like I'll be adding a peach ribbon to my pink, gray and teal. Pink for grandma's breast cancer, gray for another aunt's brain tumors, teal for my own pcos and risk of ovarian cancer. And, of course, the other aunt's covered by the peach and pink, since hers started with breast and ovarian cancer. By the time the relay comes around, I won't have much of my shirt showing under all of the awareness ribbons...
 
 
Current Mood: blank
Current Location: home